The Fellows of St Judas College are electing a new Master.
The choice has almost been made. It is Kerris Bowles-Ottery, a distinguished scientist. His smooth ways charmed the Fellows, especially the ones who look like elderly crocodiles.
He’s an FRS. He has Friends of the Right Sort.
The Bowles-Ottery laboratory is well funded by generous grants and donations. The Fellows believe that he can raise money for the College. “Repayments to the bank for the new accommodation building are heavy“, sighed the Bursar. Still, there is a big difference between getting money from companies for applied science and raising money from philanthropists for heavily mortgaged College buildings.
But, alarming stories have reached the Fellowship.
Kerris Bowles-Ottery was not entirely accurate about his qualifications – including on his curriculum vitae, his application and on multiple websites.
Kerris Bowles-Ottery is the head of a department famous for its toxic atmosphere and serial bullying.
Kerris Bowles-Ottery’s behaviour in his department has been heavy-handed. Individuals were forced out if they disagreed with him.
Kerris Bowles-Ottery was involved in an incident in which the laboratory of one of his rivals was closed down. This led to the interruption or destruction of academic careers of many young scientists, as well as the spawning of multiple ongoing court cases.
And then there is his not so private life …
Fortunately, St Judas College decided to get a second opinion. They asked Miranda Priestly.
Miranda said “Kerris Bowles-Ottery is the perfect Head of Department. He crushes all dissent. His emails are masterclasses in domination.“
Miranda delicately trembled with an emotion that we won’t name. “If only every Head of Department were like Kerris Bowles-Ottery, the University would be even more terrifying than it already is.”
The Fellows were reassured.
Two black owls came and perched on the battlements of the Chapel of St Judas. The owls remained there howling through the night and at dawn they flew away to an unknown place.
The 21 Group emphasises that this is a work of fiction. Any similarities to actual persons, whether living or dead, or actual events are purely coincidental.
5 Comments
RogerEbert · 26 April 2025 at 18:45
It’s wonderful to be reminded of the late Ealing comedy, A Jolly Bad Fellow.
It was written by Robert Hamer (Corpus Christi College, Cambridge). It’s uneven, not as good as Hamer’s more famous Kind Hearts and Coronets or It Always Rains on Sunday. Still very watchable, though.
But, Prof Kerris Bowles-Ottery is a magnificent metaphor for the cut-throat world of modern Oxbridge academia. He murders his academic colleagues to gain promotion and fame.
His career is based on the destruction of other people’s careers. We all know a Prof Kerris Bowles-Ottery.
RB · 26 April 2025 at 19:12
The great Oxford University novels (Brideshead Revisited, Zuleika Dobson) are about the gilded lives of the undergraduates
The great Cambridge University novels (The Masters, Porterhouse Blue) are about the machinations of the Fellows.
Hunter · 27 April 2025 at 11:19
Standard trajectory in Cambridge is Head of Department through Head of School to Head of House (for the mid-ranking Colleges).
So, any Head of House on this route will know where a lot of bodies are buried.
MeetOurHoD · 28 April 2025 at 07:20
Introducing the Teflon Man: our head of department, head of program, and head architect of professional trainwrecks. He ruins careers with the grace of a wrecking ball, all while flashing that award-winning “Who, me?” smile. Naturally, the university rallies around him—because nothing says “world-class institution” like protecting the guy setting fires instead of the people getting burned.
And just to keep things classy, he’s ticking the “romance a junior colleague” box too. Inspirational. Truly, it takes a special kind of talent to weaponize charm, destroy futures, and still climb the career ladder without getting a single drop of slime on your suit. But hey, why settle for one Teflon Man when academia apparently mass-produces them?
Slaughterhouse Blue - 21percent.org · 3 May 2025 at 09:29
[…] problems of Kerris Bowles-Ottery have been generously overlooked by the Fellowship of St Judas College after his explanation that a […]